[TW for dysphoria, transphobia]
I’m not sure, but I think the most anxiety-inducing coming-out scenario for me is the really cool person my partner and/or I meet at the bar (or whatever) who we’d like to have sex with (and are pretty sure they’re keen on the notion too). There’s no getting around it. It’s not like I can have stealth sex, lol.
Most people haven’t ever considered how trans bodies might realistically look like. They know more or less what to expect from the bodies of other cis people. My body is hairy, I sweat a good deal, I grow facial hair. Clothed, I hide the size of my hips, the remnants of the breasts I once had, my large clitoris, the vulva and vagina with their signs of the trauma of birthing a child. In general, I work to avoid hating my body, but I’m not content with it. I tolerate it 75% of the time (20% – gender and body dysphoria, 5% – I actually like how I look). My body has become an aberration. It will be one for the rest of my life.
I’ve slept with two people since I started taking testosterone. My partner and I do things that I would not do with anyone else. They know what not to do and I trust them to stop when I say stop without question or judgment. I can have dysphoria triggered immediately by things like my chest being groped, hearing my body being described in certain ways, or taking a very submissive role. Something can be great one time, but triggering the next. Sex with me takes a lot more communication than most people are used to.
I can’t persuade someone to accept my body. I can imagine someone well-meaning who wants “to try” but can’t do it when the time comes. I couldn’t handle that. I wouldn’t be angry. Because I have internalized transphobia, I would understand: my body is an aberration. It’s monstrous, even. I shouldn’t expect anyone to accept it, to want it. I should be utterly grateful when someone does. Or suspect, because who would want to have sex with me aside from someone who’s a pervert, a fetishist, or has weird issues of some kind?