I have a partner. We’ve been ‘together’ for four years as of last month. He’s amazing, and I could write all the words about how great he is, and how great we are.
When things started getting more serious in those early months, he asked for our relationship to be closed. I agreed to it, with some trepidation. It was what he needed to feel safe and I had faith it would be worth it (and it 110% has been).
We work on so many things together – a lot of issues about how we see our own bodies and sex and how to communicate our needs to each other. It’s ongoing. I assume it’ll be so for as long as we are in a relationship. That might sound depressing, but it’s not. It was so hard to work through the bullshit at the beginning, but now it feels like we’ve each worked through enough of it to get to a place where things are… fun. Exciting. It’s more exploration and possibilities and a lot less escape.
Still, I was caught off guard when he recently told me he felt comfortable opening up our relationship. I’m happy this wasn’t prompted by some kind of lull in our sex lives. In fact, we’ve been having a lot of outstanding, A+ sex lately! :D We talked about what kinds of arrangements appeal to each of us. For myself, I’m not interested in adding another Full Partner to our relationship, nor am I particularly interested in dating or having sex with other people without him.
I was surprised by feelings of anxiety. I knew I wasn’t feeling anxious about losing him or something of that sort. I felt anxious because oh god, my body and my gender are going to be judged by people. And some people would be tempted to say, “Well, everyone gets judged by others when it comes to stuff like this.” And that’s bullshit. It’s nothing like, “What if he thinks I look fat when I’m naked??” Lots of, if not most, cis people, will not date or have sex with trans people. No small number of people are repulsed by the very idea of it. And if the potential suitor knows I’m trans, there’s the possibility they would want me to only present and/or behave in one certain way all the time we’re together, as part of their fantasy, fetish, or because it makes them feel “more comfortable” with my trans-ness.
My partner makes me feel completely safe and accepted. I can trust him to run interference when there’s bullshit I can’t handle. So while in large part I want him there simply because I want to share these potential experiences with him, I have to admit that I want to do it together because I don’t feel like I have the resources to do it by myself. Honestly, I have very little experience meeting people to begin with.
I mean, shit, I still struggle to accept the idea that people who don’t know me very well or at all might find me sexually attractive in the first place, let alone find me attractive and accept my trans-ness. Plus, you know, being compatible enough in wants and needs.
I am obviously lacking confidence and am having trouble being optimistic about this. >_>